Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
