An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
