I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
