My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize