At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
