R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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