how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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