We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
