I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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