if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
