Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
