Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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