Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
