I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
