If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
