On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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