I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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