Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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