Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
