Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
