doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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