Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
