Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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