Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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