my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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