just come out here and I will go home with you...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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