Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
