Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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