I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
