Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
