the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
