I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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