Sponge bath it is.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
