he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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