my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
