Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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