Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
