I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
