So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I deserve this hangover.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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