Please, let me fuck your mom
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
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