Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
