Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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