I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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