I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
