My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
