New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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