Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
