Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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