His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
