Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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