I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Found the puke drawer
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
