Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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