Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
