ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
