It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Oh god it's open bar.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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