I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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